Anti-Malachi

Just as there is an antichrist for Jesus, there is an Anti-Malachi for Malachi. Anti-Malachi is said to possess great powers. Some include, but are not limited to, the following: mowing the lawn, baking chocolate chip cookies, telekinesis, burning rum, and eating crackers. It is speculated that Anti-Malachi dwells in the core of the Earth, waiting for an opportunity to fulfill his destiny. The Anti-Malachi passes its time waiting by honing its skills in the usage of extreme sarcasm, a well known weakness to Malachi. Anti-Malachi is said to have a much different appearance than Malachi, but as nobody living has seen it, this cannot be confirmed. In The Anti-Malachi Prophecies, a series of books written by Billy Mays in 1973, it is described that in the year 2045, Anti-Malachi shall rise to the surface and assume complete control of the known universe. The prophecy also states that Malachi will start an epic battle which will last 37,000 years against Anti-Malachi. Many experts have suggested that this would completely destroy the country of Kittenolivia, as well as producing a massive surplus of cranberries, and naked wolves.

Summoning Anti-Malachi
It has been hypothesized that in times of great and dire need, one who is well-versed in the art of lemonade, can summon Anti-Malachi. In addition, the individual must prove themselves worthy through 86.32458237 tests of faith in Anti-Malachi. It is unlikely that anyone on Earth has the qualifications as of now, but it is believed David Beckham is close. It is said in The Anti-Malachi Prophecies that if summoned, Anti-Malachi would throw the world into an ice age, and destroy Uranus. This, of course, would greatly anger Malachi, as he lives on said planet. Before Malachi could attack, Anti-Malachi would buy out Marlboro cigarettes, and sell them to Malachi, killing him of lung cancer and emphysema. Then, the apocalypse would occur, and Anti-Malachi would migrate to El Kadsre, as the El Kadsreian would survive the apocalyspe because of their lack of souls. The balance in the universe would then be at peace once again.

Anti-Malachi vs. Malachi
If Malachi and the Anti-Malachi should ever meet, they would annihilate each other and all Malachi sockpuppets within about 5 miles. This method of Malachi-destruction is, regrettably, not feasible since you need to be five miles away from the sockpuppet to use it. If you're 5 miles away from the sockpuppet, you really don't need to worry about it getting you, because Malachi can't see that far. Also, it's really hard to aim it correctly, but then again, you only need to be within 5 miles of your target for it to work. Also, there might not even be a sockpuppet there. The main reason that you can't really do this on Malachi is because it totally destroys everything else, which includes all the innocent townsfolk and all. It also leaves a five-mile deep crater, which after years of Malachi-slaying got to be tiresome (although if it's detonated 5 miles above the ground then it'll only destroy the idiot who dropped it.)