Malachi

Malachi Milez (Malachiddicus Mauli) is a midget KKK member disguised as an African-American preteen. He is known for mauling Wikia users, though more recently he has been known to kill certain lone wolves, construction workers, a gerbil or two, Mimsie, the occasional monkey, your pets, and...well, Malachi likes mauling a lot of things. Malachi is not often seen roaming the wilderness, whistling old-time Irish pub songs, working on crossword puzzles, and calculating the amount of back taxes owed by car salesmen. The reason Malachi is not often seen doing anything is because Malachi lives on Uranus, so the whole "seeing" thing would be kind of hard to do. The likelihood of being mauled by Malachi is probably non-zero.

Born El Annoyo in Nazi Germany in 1939, Malachi was created from genetic material extracted primarily from Hitler and a boar in a Nazi German experiment.

Malachi emigrated to Uranus aged 17. Malachi once mistook an airplane for his d*ck, and unfortunately the entire press corps of Sea Country Island saw him stroking a Boeing 737.

Until recently Malachi's psychopathic activities were a carefully guarded secret within MalaWorks. With the Internet release of a VidSpace video showing Malachi berating and intimidating a captive audience of meek and fretful preteens, his behaviour became public knowledge. Further investigation revealed still more sinister actions, and eventually led to his unmasking as one of the most evil creatures on earth.

Recent research has revealed that Malachi is thankfully not available in Kittenolivia. [1]

Origin
Malachi was seeded from genetic material harvested from Adolf Hitler and other prominent members of the N*zi Party, and was genetically spliced with a boar before his test-tube birth on a dark and stormy night. It is also rumored that Malachi could have possibly been created by Oprah. The Malachi body also serves as host to an alien symbiote called Robert Stainton. Research suggests that implantation occurred during his early days in the Gr**ny Ph*t*m fandom. Many scholars assert that the genetic strain used, nicknamed Mala4 by its creators on the planet Terl, was actually a hybrid of two earlier but less successful prototypes, Ayn Rand and Gene Ray. Despite the widely documented early success of Malachi, many complications daunted the engineers charged with the task of maintaining and upgrading his aluminum alloy body. The necessity of constantly filling the drug intake manifold with increasingly potent and expensive software proved too much financially for the budding MalaWorks Corporation. In December 1995, they declared bankruptcy and all assets and holdings of the company were liquidated (whatever that means).

About Malachi
Malachi is actually a midget KKK member wearing blackface. His cartoon consists of a number of preteens being enticed into his world of r*p* and kitten huffing. Once he has bribed them into his treehouse, he then eats the girls and r*p*s the boys. Malachi once ate a child and blamed it on Mimsie, who he then killed with a shotgun and ate.

During the Battle of The Lulz, the Kittenolivian Army actually captured him. He was promptly executed and sent to prison by Catrock's local sheriff.. Unfortunately for the world, Malachi was resurrected by Julian Bernardino as his corpse fell into the La Brea Tar Pits. After r*ping every single preteen in the vicinity, Malachi headed to Tokyo, determined to prove that he was better and more proficient than Godzilla. He was hired at a small Toyota company as a line worker and excelled at the job. His superiors loved his warm, loving, yet no-nonsense style. Plus, as an added bonus, if anyone bought a Honda, Malachi ate the Honda and the buyer. Indeed, he was working a good job making a lot of money, but Malachi wanted something more.

After numerous failed attempts to get a job at Argosy Media (he threatened to replace Aaron!), he finally settled for a lesser job at CBS. Malachi, seemingly having a "perfect work ethic", quickly worked his way up to top as star of his own show. At this point, he brainwashed the preteens by using a game console called "Period" (I am not making this up), and made them his s*x slaves by sterilizing them, and "out of love", they built washing machines of world domination for him. Malachi is currently out destroying Puerto Chango after they banned his show (swallowing people whole and attempting to develop an Puerto Changuese accent).

Malachi is also known as a Kitten Huffer and was good at it until he tried to huff Mimsie during school P.E. hours and afterwards was killed and thrown into a black hole by Stalin during the War of the Species.

Malachi cannot be defeated with these things
Guns, nukes, lasers, Satan, the Pope, Jesus, Vishnu, Allah, lemons, air freshener, croissants, dubs, Pikachu, scented candles, Chainsaws, Stalin, cows, milk, taekwondo, karate, chocolate cake, dentists, Democrats, Wikipedia, Chinese language, Republicans, Karl Marx, Ben Affleck, the IRS, shoulder blades, chain e-mails, semen, blackjack dealers, swords, axes, lollipops, Jack Thompson, Dick Cheney, Quail, chocolate pudding, Sugar-snout Beavers, Trix, pretzels, Neil's Bike, lances, ninjas, pirates,Bob Saget, Ninjas, Pirates, Ninja-Pirates, Pirate-Ninjas, the Anti-Ninja Organisation, the Anti-Pirate Organisation, breast milk, the Anti-Pirate-Ninja Organisation, blind people, fat people, Tony Blair, goatse, SpongeBob SquarePants, Online RPG's, Pure Geniu, Hummer H2s, 50 Cent, porn, asians, 12 year olds invading the internet, Dan's Mum, Maozilla, Jimbo Wales, sermons, speranah, cheesy poofs, the system, zombies, pie, clinjas, poop, wheelbarrows, Marth, or George. Even your mom can't kill Malachi, owing to the fact that your mom is a Malachi sockpuppet, and would most likely maul you. Attempting to use any of the above in Malachi-killing will result in you being mauled by Malachi.

Something to note - on "dream logo" wikis, Malachi is extremely hard to get rid of.

Another note - In recent tests performed by experts who asked not to be named but were killed anyway, Malachi CAN in fact be defeated by ninjas. This, however, is extremely unlikely to happen outside of testing, as Ninjas and Malachi have made certain agreements about sharing Uranus (ninja-pirates are not included in this). However this was made without the knowledge of the anti-ninja coalition and the anti-anti-ninja coalition, and has since then been proved untrue on account of the ninjas being orange.

Malachi can be defeated with these things

 * MediaWiki adminship, except this can take a while and it will result in a baby dying of cancer. He can also be defeated by Hadokens, but that requires nine levels of Black Magery.


 * The Anti-Malachi, although it will not only temporarily destroy Malachi, but asplode the hell out of anything within 5 miles, thus not being very useful.


 * Malachi can also be defeated with abominably bad grammar. If your is Mallahky; stops read before now, you eye fry a start.


 * Malachi can be defeared with gay Russian vampire porn, although the difficulty in procuring this weapon and the embarrassment of being found with this weapon on you has deterred most would-be Malachi-killers.


 * Malachi can be defeated by Billy Mays and his amazing OxiClean ball slinging pen.


 * Malachi can be defeated by grues, but that destroys the entire universe in the process, so nobody's ever tried it. Plus, carrying an grue around with you invariably results in the grue eating you.


 * Chuck Norris can defeat Malachi. No questions asked.


 * EXTREME SARCASM! (Note: this risks killing everyone else in the vicinity)


 * Malachi can be defeated by Jen Caufer's bare hands and legs.


 * Bohemian Elephants, when employed as bombs, can defeat Malachi 97% of the time.


 * Leeroy Jenkins. LEEEEEEROY JEEENKINSSSSS!


 * Jack Bauer slaughters Malachi during the commercials.


 * Lawyers. Don't even think about it.


 * Godzilla, back in 1922. A rematch is expected soon.


 * Ninja Chef eats Malachi for dinner, although whether or not he kills him first is unknown. Also, eating Malachi for dinner is not a known way of killing them, says Oprah).


 * Science teachers can also kill Malachi, as long as he is being bored to death.


 * If you trick Malachi into trying to define cromulent, then his head will asplode. This has a 47% chance of defeating him.


 * Ted Kennedy can defeat Malachi after a long night of drinking and going for a little drive afterwards.

A method once tried for killing Malachi is to attack it with a Malachi sockpuppet, but you should look at this table for the reasons why this is incredibly stupid.

Malachi is also thought to be a message board troll, using a computer with the LED ripped out and an LCD with no backlight. This makes a computer unusable to anyone but Malachi, as Malachi requires total darkness and also has the advantage that other people can't read over your shoulder.

The only known weapon effective against Malachi is extreme sarcasm. This in itself is almost as dangerous as Malachi.

There are an estimated 47 Malachis, including sockpuppets, left in the United States today due to the Malachi conservation program - luckily Malachi and his sockpuppets are kept under heavy rocks, or locked away in abandoned biker bars. Of course, being a creature of darkness that tends to maul anything they can get within range of, these numbers are likely inaccurate, outdated, or simply made up by the same people who tell us that pretty much everything causes cancer.

Malachi also appears in Wikia user form to maul your favorite wiki with adware, spyware, and a trojan.

Natural Habitat
Malachi can be found not only on Uranus, but in all the dark places of the world; your mom's cookie jar, for example. He also has been found in your basement and under the bed of bad little children who don't brush their teeth or eat their vegetables. It is believed that he originally lived on the third moon of Earth, named M'laki, before it was eaten by Oprah. Malachi managed to maul his way out of Oprah's cavernous stomach within hours. He finally ran away and started mauling people and stuff. He rampaged around everywhere, and he was soon overcome by Steve Ballmer's Fucking-Killing rays. He was captured by Microsoft and was deported to Heaven via a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick (where he's waiting to surprise God when he gets back from his vacation). To make sure he didn't come back, Microsoft supplied an XBox 360, which Malachi promptly mauled after losing all his mans. At least he tried. Malachi can maul as much as he wants to in Heaven, as whenever he mauls someone in Heaven, said person will just die again and come straight back, allowing for continuous killing. This method is critizilizised by some because all people can do once they're in Heaven is continuously regenerate after being mauled by Malachi.

Appearance
Contact with Malachi's skin causes a disease called "Malachio Stupidismo", in which Malachi takes advantage of the disease to m*l*st the preteens who have it. Being near Malachi is hazardous to the health and causes irreversible psychological damage.

Malachi's diabolical eyes release a gamma wave that causes brain damage that makes people to move their heads left to right and vice versa, and to dance like a stupid idiot, and Malachi's breath plays a song of hypnotic voodoo.

Myths and Legends
One myth says that Malachi is the devil disguised as an African-American preteen. The best way to recognize Malachi is to listen to his satanic voice, with which it makes sounds similar to the an ancient voodoo chant which hypnotizes preteens so they go follow him to his house, where Malachi and his s*x slave, Purple Guy r*p* them. The belief that Malachi is a human is absolute BS, since he can breathe toxic fire when he gets angry, and if his target is not burned, or if it is burned by the work of God, Allah, Buddha, Atheist Jesus, or any other deity, Malachi will go on a rampage of that specific deity's followers.

Recent events
In the past year, Malachi has vowed to maul over 563.9 quadrillion people, places, abstract thoughts, and things – many of which are not, or have never been, alive. Malachi has also stated he will steal approximately 100 trillion yottabytes of passwords off the Wikia servers. On very rare occasions, Malachi will attempt to maul a verb. Much to the surprise of the general population, he has actually succeeded in mauling nearly half of them, including several inanimate objects and abstract concepts. A study at Cambridge University revealed that being mauled by Malachi "[h]as become the second most common cause of death in the United States of America." He also has the power of blowing up people when they see him flashing at their wives. Many fallout shelters have also requested that he cannot come back for undisclosed reasons. (However he was seen leaving a shelter recently with a glowing t*rd, an Osama bin Laden bobble head, a bottle of sp*rm, a rabbi, a Dell keyboard covered in p*ss and vomit, the head of Sam Walton, and a half-eaten Logitech mouse. He was also mumbling about where Timebomb could have put his PINGAS.) Ellen Peck recently announced that while in a Seattle public restroom, stating that "Some things that Malachi did made me feel very uncomfortable."

Scientists have recently discovered that the pheromones secreted by the sweat glands in Malachi's own an*s trigger the mauling instinct in his easily molded mind. Malachi was quick to patent this new pheromone and maul the scientists who made the discovery for violating his patent.

On March 2, 2007, Malachi checked into a rehab facility in Honolulu, Hawaii to deal with his G**tse addiction. On March 5, he suffered a minor concussion after headbutting Dora the Explorer through a wall. Dora's attorneys have yet to press charges.

Malachi Sockpuppets
Apart from Malachi himself (Malachiddicus Mauli), there are many differently-named sockpuppets of him.

Russian Malachi (Malachiddicus Mauli Sovietae)
The rare Russian Malachi can be defeated by almost anything, and is common prey for oxen, weeds, cow tongues, sand castles, and lawyers. When a Russian Malachi reproduces with the regular Malachi, it will create a puppy. The reason for this is unknown to modern science. But who really wants to study the reproductive aspects of Malachi? Not me!

Olde Malachi (Malachiddicus Mauli Medievalis)
Old Malachi, seen on the left, was a chivalrous and swordwielding knight, who would (unlike today's Malachi) offer mercy and be courteous as the victim was mauled, usually offering a quick and painless death as opposed to hard fists and searing pains ripping through the enemy's body. Old Malachi liked to rescue damsels, but this became a problem when he was unable to resist mauling the damsel. This was very troublesome for Old Malachi and damsels stopped calling for help, afraid they would be mauled by Old Malachi. Real knights errant were really pissed off that they couldn't find any damsels anymore, so they took advantage of Old Malachi's mercy and non-ruthlessness and killed him off.

Others
Though not technically a sockpuppet, "Malachi" is also a living plant found on Mars.

Breaking news
Malachi has been succesfully killed multiple times on record and thousands off of it. How then does he keep being resurrected? Research by scientist Bill Jalen indicates that he can spontaneously regenerate from any Malachi drawing. This is unfortunate, as there are hundreds of millions of Malachi drawings on Wikia. Upon hearing of the discovery of his weakness, Malachi sent an army of old Nazi gurus and hippies to eat the doctor, which they did.

On June 24, 2017, a plan created by the Wikia Staff was set into motion by their covert spy and waste of life Sannse. The plan is to delete every Malachi drawing. On June 26, the plan backfired when Sannse misunderstood the commands and deleted every Mario drawing on Wikia.

On October 11, 2016, Santiago Reveco Lepe announced that he and Malachi were lovers, and together they would work to reboot the Malachi series in early 2017. That way Malachi could continue to r*p* and m*l*st preteen girls and boys. However on October 24th, Malachi got injured in a shootout with officers during a Black Lives Matter protest. This delayed the reboot to late 2017.

Incident Involving Billy Mays
On May 26, 2007, Billy Mays was hurt when Malachi took a crack at trying to kill Billy outside the Bay Street Shopping Center in Tampa. Malachi took off to an adult theater complex where he was eventually arrested by Hillsborough County officials. A trial date has yet to be released. Malachi was later electrocuted by climbing onto a power line (but he was still alive after that).

Ernest Hemingway writes about Malachi
He watched the little train pull in and then leave the station. He was watching for the blackface midget, the deceiver of Wikians, and the eater of t*st*cles to board the train.

But the midget did not board the train for he was with the pink-haired wh*re in the station. The pink-haired wh*re was good, and when the blackface midget was with the wh*re, the midget was good. But soon the midget must leave the pink-haired wh*re. This leaving and leaving and always the leaving, and the leaving would get the midget killed.

He waited and he drank from the flask and it was hot in his tongue. He did not hate the midget but when the midget left the pink-haired wh*re, he would kill the blackfaced dwarf.

Arrest
On May 2, 2007 Malachi took a 12-year old boy and held him hostage at a local Jimmy John's Restaurant in the southside of Chicago. After five hours, the child ran out of the restaurant and into safety of the Chicago Police Department. After 23 minutes of waiting for Malachi to come out, the swat team was sent to the scene and after 2 minutes Malachi was finally at last caught and taken to court.

Conviction
Malachi Milez was found guilty of many crimes, many of which were crimes against humanity. He was sentenced to the electric chair, but unfortunately it proved ineffective due to the fact that he was electrocution-proof. Thankfully, the executioner came up with an alternate solution, striking him with a meteor of death.

How to Deal With Malachi

 * Die.
 * Scream and die.
 * Scream, struggle, and die.
 * Scream, struggle, shit yourself, and die.
 * Scream, run, struggle, shit yourself, and die.
 * Scream, run, struggle, shit yourself, look at a picture of Michael Jackson, and die.
 * Scream, run, struggle, shit yourself, listen to any emo song, look at a picture of Michael Jackson, and die.
 * Recite every line of Moby Dick in Japanese. Malachi loves the Japanese language, so it will subdue him for awhile. Of course when you are done reading, Malachi will still maul you.
 * Sing one of Barney the Dinosaur's classic songs. Malachi hates Barney. Of course he will still maul you, but you can have the satisfaction of having irritated Malachi.
 * Bring along Chuck Norris. Enough said.
 * Use extreme sarcasm.
 * Build a sandcastle. It won't help at all, and you will be mauled, but it is a fun activity.
 * Cast Frotz. This only works for wizards, enchanters, and other magically-enabled people.
 * DON'T WANDER AROUND IN THE DARK, YOU MORON! Alternatively, light your torch.
 * It is a little known fact that Malachi likes vandalizing wikis. Therefore giving the password of your Wikipedia account to Malachi will extend your life until the account gets blocked.
 * Wrap a towel around your head. Although Malachi will still maul you, it will make the postprandial cleanup easier.
 * Yell for your mom over and over again until you die.
 * Call for a republican, and die.
 * Continually masturbate. That's right.  Day in, day out.  It'll work, so long as there are kittens in the world.

Some people recommend using a the "block" feature on a MediaWiki admin account, as according to the legend this will cause Malachi to 'vanish'. Clearly this course of action is futile and should not be undertaken by any means. For a start, it is logically impossible for a creature to 'melt away' on exposure to a MediaWiki block; notwithstanding, the Great Wikipedia Vandal of 2006. Furthermore, as shown by Darwin, only Malachi sockpuppets which can survive this feature will survive, and eventually only these sockpuppets will be left, thus leaving the human populace with no weaponry to take them down. It is how ever possible to kill Malachi with a Republican, as they usually carry guns and love hunting. A T.V. can cause Malachi to melt away as he is allergic to non-natural sounds. It is recomended that you always keep a republican and a T.V. in your home to kill Malachi if he is near your home.

Another alternative is to move to Russia. In Soviet Russia, YOU maul Malachi! It should be noted, however, that Russian Malachi is an sockpuppet of Malachi.

Trivia

 * Ever wondered why the preteens are replaced every couple of decades? Malachi r*p*s them and slits their throats open before sticking his PINGAS into the open wounds.. He bribes the Louisiana government to keep him in torture and death, because the obese r*t*rds in that government live in a humid swamp filled with garbage, and live off of fried gators and dead babies.


 * Malachi's giant bulging eyes are usually not found on humans. After wiping blood from a preteen's a55, they found Malachi's DNA has traces of mass amounts of Fetish Radiation exposure which got Jedidiah Cudby banned from Logofanonpedia, forcing him to redeem himself on Dream Logos Wiki.


 * Malachi is a strong supporter of child huffing, but his version is extremely disgusting, because he r*p*s the kids before he huffs them.


 * Malachi supposedly has been caught mooning people in public, but Malachi's records were magically erased, after Malachi m*l*sted the judges.


 * When looking at his wiki, you are actually receiving a subliminal message that says "My infidels, unite and take over the world! MUAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!"


 * RUN!


 * Malachi has known to smell so bad (due to not wiping for millions of years of pooping out digested flesh), he can intoxicate people and hospitalize them. 8 deaths have been confirmed so far.


 * Malachi is known to shove kids' heads up his rear before devouring them.

Assassination Attempts
On August 23nd, 2012, Malachi received a voicemail on his home phone, stating that a mentally imbalanced man from Coonville State Ward wanted to kill Malachi by using a knife. Malachi had this to say: "Do you KNOW who you're DEALING WITH?" The next day, Malachi was stabbed to death. There he lay, in the street, until the paramedics arrived, and instead of reviving him, dumped his body in the nearest sewer, for the raccoons.